


Truth Be Told, I Never Expected This

by Sol1t41r3



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Amnesia, Humanstuck, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Minor High School and College, One Broken Arm, Sadstuck, mentions of bullying, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-09 08:14:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11100558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sol1t41r3/pseuds/Sol1t41r3
Summary: Sometimes, getting attention might not be good for you, especially in this kind of manner.OR:Wherein Dave Strider actually breaks an arm and that is where the story ends. Or is it?





	1. Prologue: The Night of the Party

**Author's Note:**

> This is for a good friend of mine.
> 
> Hope ya'll enjoy.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
  
GT: dude, ampora’s throwing a party at his place!  
  
GT: the whole crew’s gonna be there, we should come.  
  
TG: oh shit yeah  
  
TG: heard it from rose, a couple of her friends are going too  
  
GT: i’ll pick you up in a few minutes, you better be ready!  
  
TG: ready is my middle fucking name egbert  
  
GT: so i heard, you have a lot of middle names, dave :P  
  
TG: im glad you know  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--  


  


Arriving at the party was no problem, a lot of your buddies greeted you at the door. Either drunk or smoking outside. The party was kind of a fucking mess though. A shit ton of people were dancing to crappy DJ music that you could have totally improved.

  


Ampora’s parties are always big, he’s the rich kid around town. So it shouldn’t be this surprising to you but it’s the first time in a long time since you’ve been a partyer and not a DJ.

  


It’s a lot more different than you’d think.

  


You and John go to the makeshift bar first to order drinks. Nothing like a couple shots to loosen up. Drunk isn’t much of your style but really, it’s summer, what the hell is there to lose rather than time? You down a few shots and drink some water before finding John again. He looks wasted already. Goddamn lightweight.

  


“Hey, Egbert. Where’s the shitty bathroom?” You ask loudly over the music, John turns around. His face is slightly red, probably from the drinks. Christ, he’s such a lightweight. You just arrived here with him several minutes ago and he’s already red.

  


“I think it’s upstairs, I don’t think you should... Uh, use the lower bathroom...” He smiles at you, classic Egbert smile. Yeah, he’s probably right, who knows what the fuck people do in the first floor bathrooms?

  


Yeah, you shouldn’t think about that.

  


You wave him off and disappear into the crowd of sweaty, dancing people. Jesus, you’re normally a DJ at Ampora’s parties but he hates your music so fuck him. The DJ right now plays a risky game for his music, geez. 

  


The darkness of the room makes it a fuck ton harder for you to see so you are fucking bumping into a load of people right now but honestly you don’t give a shit, your bladder is dying right now.

  


You’re glad for your thin frame for once. Going through a dancing crowd is easier than you thought. It’s easy to push them away anyway. 

  


But of course, some crap has to happen to you.

  


“Hey! What the fuck?! Watch it, asshole!” Someone yelps, you can feel liquid hitting your shirt. Oh shit, not cool. You look a great deal down, guy’s short. You can barely see his features but you can really see his seething glare. Goddamn, you never knew someone could look so mad.

  


He looks pretty cute though, with his dark colored hair and freckles. Too bad you can’t see him properly through your shades. He also looks a bit familiar and his voice sounds like you’ve heard it before. His angry expression immediately turns into shock for some reason.

  


Maybe a lost memory somewhere in the back of your head. It could be anything to be honest. Could be nothing at all. 

  


“Watch where you’re going, shortie.” You mutter and push past him, making your way to the stairs. Damn, this was a good shirt too. You try to squeeze the... -Beer?? Wine?? Some kind of alcohol- out of the cloth.

  


Great party so far, fucking great.

  


There are clothes on the steps, and it looks pretty wet? That varnished wood doesn’t look so good, in fact it looks kinda slippery. And what the hell are those liquids or whatever? Seeing the clothes, well... Nope, you aren’t going in that territory of mind. Fuck that.

  


Getting up the stairs was actually easy, just stepped on a few articles of clothing. The lights aren’t on and not a lot of people are up here. You can barely see anything but you aren’t really risking taking off your shades.

  


You kick a red party cup on the floor away, Ampora’s gonna have a hard time cleaning these and the stains. There are a few people that you manage to see. Geez, how can they even stand this darkness?

  


You manage to get to the bathroom without bumping into anyone. A life goal accomplished. It is very nice to not fucking bump into anyone because you are sick of that shit to be honest.

  


There are also an awful lot of rooms along the side here and an awful lot of them are closed and presumably locked. Yeah, you are not getting close to those doors. You would not like to be a maid in this house for sure. No amount of money is gonna get you to clean this place after a party.

  


Thankfully the bathroom door is open and the bathroom itself is very much empty. You do your business and wash your shirt a bit. Ampora won’t mind if you use his shitty expensive soap, at least, he won’t know it was you. Cue the evil laugh.

  


You wash your face, talking to yourself, “Don’t sweat it, bro. You are cool and chill. Creepy hallways can’t possibly unnerve you, Nah.” After cooling down, you get out of the bathroom. The bathroom didn’t smell too bad but that’ll be changed in a few hours obviously. Some people get desperate.

  


The walk back isn’t so bad now, the thought of your bladder not exploding is comforting. You take your time looking at the furnishing and style of this long ass hallway.

  


Geez, you’ve never really realized how big this hallway is until now. You’ve been up here either to get paid or get on the frickity dickity, the beast with two backs, the in-out, the sexy times. Whatever euphemisms you have for it. DJ’ing is also a great part-time job here, seriously. No one complains because they’re all busy getting drunk on expensive alcohol. Plus, Ampora still gives you a shit ton of mons even if he doesn’t like the music.

  


You finally arrive at the stairs. You better find John, who knows where the fuck he’s ended up. Hopefully not down a toilet. But as you step forward, you think.

  


Besides getting your shirt wet, what’s the worst that could happen? This is just a normal, shitty party in a big ass mansion with very large space between the ground floor and the second floor.

  


But...

  


You should have learned not to assume by now. It happens really fucking fast, see. You aren’t really looking on the step so turns out there was a fucking puddle there that wasn’t there before and in a split second, you hear Hella Jeff.

  


“I warned you about stairs bro! I told you dog!” A voice whispers in the back of your head.

  


“It keeps happening...” You whisper back.

  


“I told you, man. I told you about stairs.”

  


It’s come to fucking haunt you. It was trying to warn you.

  


It got you good.

  


The ground promptly hits your face at breakneck speed. Falling on varnished wooden stairs turns out to be a fast experience. It all turns black for a moment. You can still hear the music, but there’s a slight ringing in your ears for some reason.

  


Fuck, what the fuck?

  


God, you’re dying. Pain is great. The agony is agonizing. 

  


“Jesus fucking Christ, are you alright?” A familiar face pops up right above you. Shit, it’s a fucking angel. You are also positive that your shades are not on your face because you can clearly see him right now. Ah, wild dark brown hair... Brown eyes? He looks alarmingly familiar but you really can’t place it.

  


“Hello? Talk to me, Dave!”

  


“I’m dying.” You mutter. Your mind is a bit slow to register.

  


“What?” The guy raises an eyebrow, he’s the same dude you bumped into earlier. “You’re fucking fine. Your left arm looks pretty fucked up though.”

  


Shit, what?

  


“Don’t move, you shit. John’s your friend or something right?” He leaves for some reason, shit, why is he leaving? The pain is very painful, indeed. Everything hurts.

  


The next few minutes are blurry. John came by and called Rose and an ambulance. You didn’t see that stranger again. Strange.

  


A lot of people are around you when you’re carried on the stretcher. Shit, this is the first time, isn’t it? You are literally dying. Jesus, did you get the attention of the whole party?

  


You are loaded into the ambulance with Rose.

  


“I’m not surprised, David. I just let you leave the house for a party with John and what do I get?” Rose mutters, brushing your hair away from your eyes. The light above you is bright, and it hurts a lot. Where are your shades?

  


The ambulance feels cozy but you’re thinking that you should at least feel a bit of alarm or panic but seriously?

  


“Was me being on the stretcher like in the movies?” You croak, eyes burning from the light.

  


“The most dramatic of movie scenes, David.” You manage to grin at that. A life goal is completed.

  


Time seems to slow down a bit. What the hell?

  


“Ain’t my fault..” You manage to mutter, it was the stairs’ fault, goddamnit. Rose smiles a bit, though she doesn’t look happy. She probably isn’t.

  


...Wait, he called you Dave. But, you don’t know him?

  


The darkness engulfs you.


	2. Chapter 1: Lots of Fuckery and More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i guess i admit this one is a bit too packed for a chapter but i just wrote this on a whim.  
> never really wrote in this style before, the narration and tons of time hops. but i tried my best.

  


“Rose, I am up and fucking ready to do business. Break me out.” You grumble, staring at your sister who is sitting beside the bed. She is still ignoring you, reading her book.

  


You sigh. Rose provides absolutely no fucking hope for your poor soul.

  


Of course, landing in a hospital with a broken arm doesn’t make someone so keen to let you out. The days are especially boring, John and Jade visit you from time to time. Rose, Dirk and Roxy, all your siblings, take turns in staying with you. Roxy proves a lot more fun than the other two, at least she brings her laptop and lets you watch funny cat videos.

  


Besides that, it’s still really boring. You still don’t know who that guy was at the party who called John, he looked kind of familiar to you but you’ve got nothing. You asked John about him but he doesn’t seem to remember that the guy existed? Weird.

  


“When am I getting out of here?” You turn your head to look at your sister. She turns a page in her book and glances at you.

  


“When the doctors say that you’re fine to go.”

  


“And when the fuck will that be?”

  


“Can’t you be patient? You’ve broken an arm, David. Because you fell down the stairs. It’s partly your fault.”

  


“There was a puddle of mystery liquid on the step! I couldn’t have fucking seen that!” You whine.

  


“Of course, you couldn’t have.” Rose’s tone is heavy. You know where she’s going with this. Who can blame you to wear shades? You always wear shades, that’s your look, your main style. Rose should know better than to blame the shades. It isn’t very mature of her.

  


You groan in despair, also looking at your arm. Stupid arm, couldn’t even handle some stairs. Shit, how long will you stay in a cast? What about the DJ’ing gig you got? God, this is as crappy as shit covered in double shit.

  


Knocking erupts at the door while you’re just staring at Rose. John’s goofy face pops out from behind the door. “Hello, both of you!” He grins.

  


“Unscheduled visit today, Egbert.” You give him a smirk, “Couldn’t keep away from the hospital room, could you?”

  


“Hello, John. Mind watching Dave while I head out for a bit?” Rose looks up, closing her book. John nods and gives you a sneaky wink, although you think Rose saw that. Your sister gets her shoulder bag and puts her book inside then leaves.

  


“You were asking about that guy at the party right?” John asks, sitting on the chair Rose was previously on, pulling it closer to you. Oh shit, he’s definitely got your attention.

  


“Yeah? What shit you got?”

  


“He’s Karkat Vantas, the guy we hanged out with like back in elementary? Apparently, he’s here too.” He replies. Wow, elementary. Christ.

  


“Fucking seriously?”

  


“Yep. Crazy.”

  


“That’s like such a long ass time ago and he still remembers us?” You raise an eyebrow. You feel kind of vulnerable without your shades. You hope John buys you a new pair.

  


“I’ve actually been chatting with him for a while now? He didn’t tell me he was in town and I haven’t seen him for a long time. Puberty changes a lot of people, you know.” John reasons. So, he and Karkat are actually in touch.

  


“He told me he was moving schools and he’s enrolling as a transferee here.” He adds.

  


Oh, well. You sigh; you may or may not have the hots for him.

  


“Well shit, dude. This is gonna be really awkward.” John nods, assuming you said that for a different reason. It’s better to let him stay ignorant. Some secrets are better left unknown, besides John is shit at keeping secrets. It’s also learned from your experience that Egbert can’t keep his mouth shut too tight. A lot of mistakes were made in the past, cue the cringey memories.

  


John stays for a few hours, showing you recent posts on your Tumblr before leaving. And Rose is your only company again.

  


Tasteless hospital food arrives after a couple of minutes; you accompany it with the apple juice Rose smuggled past security. You have a platonic love/hate relationship with her but most of the time you love her. But the food is still shit though.

  


Your arm starts hurting again when you try to sleep; it keeps you up for a long while. Rose also leaves when Dirk arrives. He always stays with you overnight; you suspect he changed to the morning shift with his DJ’ing gig. Dirk’s a cool brother, not a very responsible role model but he gets shit done well. He always took care of you and always tried to change his plans so that he could supervise you like hopped up super mom.

  


A few days after that, they finally let you out. You still have a cast on and everybody you knew was just outside the hospital, they all had a Sharpie each and signed your cast. After that, your arm was a “Kaleidoscopic nightmare.”, as Rose said. It hurt to look at it but it was endearing as hell to see all the messages your friends wrote.

  


The doctor said that it would take a couple of weeks for your arm to heal so that’s how long you wore the cast. It bothered you a lot, especially since it was your left arm. You do a lot of stuff with your left, that ain’t cool. Good thing you developed the ambidextrous thing when you were young. John also bought you a new pair of shades, although it wasn’t as special as Ben Stiller’s but it was still a pair of shades. Rest in pieces, Ben Stiller’s shades, you will be missed.

  


You started walking around town too, often supervised by Rose but you kind of sneak out sometimes. It feels good when a psychoanalytic sister isn’t breathing down your neck when you try to peacefully look at the scenery.

  


That’s also where you saw Karkat again.

  


On a particularly cloudy day, you did not bring an umbrella. You didn’t hear the news because seriously who watches the news? Not you, of course, you’re too cool for that.

  


Anyway, you were at the park, watching a couple of kids playing in the playground and suddenly fuck all happened, it started with a light drizzle and it turned into a heavy rain all of a sudden, who would expect rain in the fucking summer? It’s supposed to be the hottest season of the year.

  


The little guys ran away at once, squealing and chasing each other, presumably going back to their houses. But you on the other hand are still at the park. You head under the bus stop on the near sidewalk. You didn’t really want to run, especially with your fucking arm. Can’t trust this heavy ass cast.

  


Then out of nowhere, like a miracle, Karkat Vantas appears around the corner with an umbrella, holding it like it’s the most natural thing in the world for someone to be carrying an umbrella during summer. He’s doing something on his phone until he looks up and sees you. He stops for a few seconds, as if he’s considering to either run away or continue walking. Thankfully he continues walking towards you. He’s put his phone back in his pocket by the time he reaches the bus stop.

  


“What are you doing out here?” Karkat asks, seemingly giving you a once-over. “Dripping wet too, what the fuck, Dave?”

  


You shrug which was a bit painful in the cast, “I was just in the park until the sky suddenly unloaded its unholy water on me. I swear I didn’t do anything.”

  


“Didn’t you watch the news?” His tone was exasperated; his voice was also loud and cracked constantly. He’s also doing this weird pouty frustrated expression which is totally bizarre.

  


“Who watches the news?”

  


“Normal people do, Jesus fucking Christ. Come on, I’ll accompany you home.” Karkat narrows his eyes. He seems pretty relaxed with saying this in a pissed tone, like you’re close with him or something. You wish you were.

  


You go home with him, of course he doesn’t come in, instead he actually left before Roxy even opened the door. Roxy was surprised that you weren’t drenched, you told her about Karkat and she gives you a sly smile. Damn Lalondes, having these secrets that you don’t know about. A sly smile like that always says that your guard should be up; you never know what’ll happen.

  


The household was full of assumptions that day, it was horrifying. 

  


A few weeks pass, you don’t see Karkat again. You finally get out of the cast, it was difficult to move your arm for some reason, and you had to go through a bit of therapy. Your arm is so dead.

  


After regaining full control of your arm, you’re back in your daily swing of things in no time, you hung out with your people, did a couple of gigs, updated a few comics. You had to do all your stuff before school. Your schedule’s always packed to the brim, especially when Dirk insists that you focus on your studies. You’re not surprised that he’d tell you that, Dirk’s a fucking genius but he dropped college to help Roxy with you and Rose.

  


Karkat also became a pastime thought of yours because you are gayer than you thought you were. You’re surprised that John kept in touch with that guy, Karkat’s cool and all but he doesn’t keep his chill in check most of the time, at least that’s what you remembered from your past days in Elementary.

  


School finally rolls around and becomes a major thing again. You’re just glad that you’re finally a Junior, one more year and you’re free from high school hell. Karkat Vantas also ends up in your class.  It isn’t long before you have a major encounter with him again.

  


Dismissal. You hang around at the schoolyard with a couple of buddies before seeing Karkat walking to the car park. You watch as he approaches a grey-ish car with a guy sitting on the hood. What they’re talking about isn’t clear to you but what is, is that Karkat looks really pissed at him.

  


A couple of seconds later the guy has him in a shirt grab and Karkat’s visibly struggling. You stray away from your friends in a flash.

  


"Hey, Dave where you goin’, bro?”

  


“Look, it’s that Vantas guy.”

  


“Oh shit, fight!”

  


You yell, “Hey, asshole! Put him down.” You run to the two. You can’t quite make out the guy’s features but you’ve totally seen him before in the cafeteria, one of the jock shits who think they’re all big and bullshit like that.

  


Of course, you barreling towards him is kind of a scary sight, you’ve had a few classes of martial arts, courtesy of Roxy, the bad ass sister who has practically a black belt in everything. You’ve also held a reputation for getting into a few fights at school; all are because of a good reason.

  


The jock leaves, Karkat turns to you, looking slightly surprised yet thankful. He picks up his bag wordlessly and finds the keys to his car, is that actually his car? He tosses his bag inside and starts it up.

  


“Uhm thanks. Thought the fucker was gonna beat me into the pavement.” He says awkwardly.

  


“He was going to until I arrived. What the fuck was that about?” You raise an eyebrow. Looking at him closely, he seems really tired. You’ve never really noticed until now, he’s always scowling during class. Karkat looks to where the jock ran off too, like he’s expecting him to come back with his goons. Most probably not.

  


“A... Bully thing. It’s nothing, really.” He looks at you again, his eyes are unreadable now. Geez.

  


“Nothing? Seriously? You can’t be a loner at fucking junior year, bro. Hang out with us during class. We’re not such a bad group, well at least most of us. But we’re all chill. You can’t be bullied by whatever crappy reason.” You admit, your tone is a bit aggressive but you really meant it. No fragmented memories of Karkat will stop you from trying to help him even if you don’t remember him all that well.

  


“Oh, I’ll consider... I guess.” He narrows his eyes at you, like he’s trying to read between the lines of what you said. There’s no hidden meaning behind it, just being a helping hand. You know how hard it is to befriend someone when you’re a transferee. Happened to you in Elementary, ain’t happening to you now.

  


“Great, that’s reassuring. Go wherever the fuck you’re going. I’m out, peace.” You walk away from him as fast as you arrived.

  


Your buddies are pretty stoked by the scene you put up. That’s gonna spread through the whole group, great. It doesn’t bother you too much though, but you get the feeling that Karkat doesn’t like a lot of attention on him. You hope he won’t mind.

  


You watch as he drives away in his car.

  


The following days, he actually approaches you at recess, says that he just wants to stay around. That’s fine with you, although your emotions are going bonkers right now. You try to push that down just for Karkat’s sake. He didn’t move houses just for you to want to mack on him.

  


But things started off sort of awkward around him. You kept slipping up, kept getting into weird fucking situations like Jesus Christ, won’t this ever stop? You swear you could die already. Although you’ve never really seen some significant changes from him. Karkat’s just... Karkat. Nothing was really changing. You’ve tried to summon the courage to ask him out but he didn’t really seem interested and you didn’t want to get your hopes up. No sir. You are still as awkward as ever with emotions.

  


Still... That’s wasted time...

  


Hanging out with him is fun though, he gets pissed at the simplest things and it’s so amusing. He also has this weird obsession with romcom movies and books. He was a shit load at his place. Thinking about it, you’ve never actually been to his house, he always just stays at yours. You don’t bring it up though, as long as he’s comfortable with you. That’s fine.

  


You and Karkat are practically best bros too, John kind of fades out of the picture. You feel bad about ditching him for Karkat but he said it was fine. You still try to invite him to every event you’re arranging with Karkat. He only comes over on movie nights.

  


The weeks pass.

  


Your birthday comes up during December. It was a big party, thinking back on it. You got new turntables from Dirk, a shitty Christmas sweater from Rose, and some cash money from Roxy. John and the gang arranged and funded the party. Karkat only came by for a an hour then left which really bummed you out for the rest of the day but you met up with him after the party at the park. He said he had some shit to do and was sorry that he missed most of the party. You understood but you still guilt-tripped him a bit. He didn’t have a present for you.

  


Life goes on after that, then there’s the New Year’s Party. Karkat wasn’t in town for Christmas because they went on some family vacation. He was pretty high up on your invitation list, a shame he wasn’t there for the Christmas Party. That was a great party actually, crazy shit went down then.

  


So instead, he compensated by attending the New Year’s Party.

  


“Hey, Strider.” He appears behind you by the bar. You’re back at Ampora’s place, ah memories; you’re still not done partying at this house yet. There are a lot more memories to be made here, that’s for sure. You turn around.

  


“Yo, bro. You getting nostalgia right now?” You grin, motioning at the stairs. Karkat snorts, giving you the finger. Both of you order drinks. You see John with a couple of your friends and order them drinks too. It’s New Year’s, who cares about budgets?

  


Dirk, Rose and Roxy are also here. But you don’t mind them a bit; they’re just hanging out by the couches. Meanwhile, you and Karkat decide to head upstairs. It’s a bit difficult because there’s the usual large dancing crowd.

  


But you eventually reach the stairs, “Holy shit, look. They carpeted the stairs.” You point at the obviously carpeted stairs.

  


Karkat shrugs, “Last time, an idiot fell down them. What do you fucking expect?” Ah, jokes. These stairs hold a special place in your heart. It’s also the place where you first met Karkat again in a long time, you guess.

  


You fake-gasp, “No way, I heard they broke an arm, were they okay?” Karkat elbows you harshly in the ribs, eliciting a yelp from you. Karkat shows you a secret staircase at the end of the hallway that you didn’t know existed. This calls for some rumors. You follow Karkat up the stairs until both of you stop at a door. And surprise, surprise, it isn’t locked.

  


It lead outside, to the small balcony you’ve always seen when you stand outside of the mansion. It surprises you that Karkat knows about this but he just replies that he “Has connections.”... Right.

  


Being up there was so cold and fucking snowy, like holy crap, you were so surprised by how much snow was falling up there. But it was worth it, just to be alone with Karkat, albeit slightly drunk and having the hots for him. You talked for a while, small talk. You hate small talk, like where do you branch off the conversation from that?

  


But you remember that the talk ended with, “Do you follow that kissing on New Year’s Eve shit?” Karkat became silent. It isn’t far from twelve o’ clock, you note. Some fireworks prematurely started a while ago. The brunet’s expression is unreadable; he pulls a good poker face. Too good, in fact.

  


You sigh heavily; you can smell the alcohol on your breath. Yuck. How is this going to work? Are you just going to wait for twelve o’ clock and have an attempt at kissing him? What if that doesn’t work though? Shit, you aren’t thinking straight. Is there a Plan B? Is there even a Plan A? You are very unprepared for this. You push your shades up into your hair, seriously, this thinking is exhausting.

  


Karkat’s gaze is far away, he looks like he’s lost in thought. He probably is. But he looks so... peaceful. He looks the most relaxed that he’s been in a long time. Times have been hard, especially on him it looks like. You think back, how do you do this? You just kiss him when the countdown hits zero, right? By that little action, you’ll know if he likes you or not, right?

  


Nothing really gives it away but you like to think that he’s the least bit interested in you? Wait, you don’t even know if he’s gay, you’ve never asked him. Seeing how close you both are, it can’t be helped if both of you develop feelings for each other, right? Wait, but what if he doesn’t even like you at all? What if he’ll hate you after you try to kiss him? You don’t want that... The thing is that he doesn’t give anything away! He’s such a closed fucking book, the most closed and locked book you’ve ever seen in your life, what the fuck? What if you go through with this and your friendship gets fucked?

  


You decide to bite the bullet anyway. “Hey, uh.. Karkat.” You rub the back of your neck which is stinging from the cold. He looks at you questioningly.

  


“Shit, I don’t know how to approach this. I.. Uh. Fuckin’ crap, I really like you? As in like I mean like like-like, not platonically like romantically. And I know, this is weird because we’re bros but hear me out. It’s kinda fucked up and really gay but I want to kiss you for New Year’s Eve and I don’t even know if that’s possible or if you even like me? I’m just really fucking nervous right now and I’m rambling and Jesus shit, it’s really cold out here and I really like you and I’m acting like a total idiot right now, I’ll fucking stop.” You immediately regret the word vomit you just spewed out right now. Fuck! You walk away from him.

  


“Wait, crap. Just ignore all of that bullshit I said. Never mind, just forget about it. Goddamnit!” Karkat’s looking at you in silence. Oh god.

  


You are an embarrassment right now, “Sorry, hah, fuck. I’ll leave, I’m a fucking mess right now.” You abscond right away.

  


“Dave-“ Karkat starts; looking genuinely confused, but you don’t hear the end of it.

  


You leave the party before the countdown even started. You cooped yourself up at home with a bottle of apple juice and a bag of chips.

  


After that, you don’t even know if you fucked up something or not. Does Karkat like you back? Seriously, you don’t know. There’s definitely no telltale signs. No secret looks or slip-ups. You know that you’ll find out if you just ask him out but for some reason you can’t, you’ve fucked it up. Something just seems to be holding you back.

  


Avoiding him has become a habit of yours because you’re a goddamn coward. You’re the one who welcomed him in the first place but now you just leave when he arrives at the scene or you’d do anything to ditch your friends when you see him approach.

  


The avoidance is what eventually separates both of you.

  


After junior year, you seem like you’ve never had a friendship with Karkat Vantas. John asks you about what happened but you avoid the topic at all costs. You’ve irreparably fucked up that relationship, there’s no use trying to repair it. You give up quite fast, you realize.

  


Senior year skips by, you continue life normally. Karkat seemed to just disappear.

  


Your left arm aches from time to time.

  


Regret spikes through you every time you hear anything close to the name ‘Karkat Vantas’. The days go by slower than before, you feel like you’ve fucked up so badly.

  


You don’t realize what you’ve done before you hear the news.

  


Being in the hospital again gives you a weird feeling. You’ve never actually visited someone. The doctors only let you look through his papers, diagnosed depression, past medications, attempted suicide.

  


Maybe you’ve fucked up a lot.

  


They say he’s in a coma and it’s unknown when he’ll wake up from it.

  


You meet his family while you were sitting in the waiting room. You don’t know why you feel obligated to stay in the waiting room, it’s not like he’d be happy to see you. He most probably hates you anyway after the shit you’ve done just to avoid him. Your old feelings slowly come back. Maybe you were never over him.

  


It’s over a month now.

  


You’ve moved away from town, leaving your friends behind and going to the big city. Karkat’s just been a memory in your head, all the thoughts in your head are ‘what could’ve been’. You wonder if he’s still in a coma. You hope not.

  


You attend college at a big name school. You still don’t know what course you’re taking, either photography or DJ. A hard decision indeed. You don’t want to take both because that’s just unhealthy, you can’t juggle two fucking courses around. You’re not as bright and responsible as other people. Hence all the fuck ups you’ve ever made in your life.

  


Forgetting about Karkat is a hard phase, despite all the stress on your mind. He just seems to find his way back into your head, it’s kind of depressing actually. You can’t let go of the thought. But despite your trouble, you get a DJ’ing job at a club. You decide to go with the course of photography. You save enough money to buy a decent Polaroid. You’re that kind of person.

  


John’s birthday passes by; you send him a letter and a favorite polaroid of yours. You wish you could have been there for the party. He sends you a letter and a picture of the sick party they had.

  


You consider visiting for the summer.

  


Karkat’s birthday rolls by; you don’t know what’s happened to him. He’s better off without you.

  


College is a wonderful distraction from your problems. Your new friends seem nice. They’re pretty fucking dope, although they can party a little too hard. You leave before shit gets wild though, you don’t really want to be a part of that scene. Your studies are pretty laid back though, or maybe it’s just your course that’s easy. You win a couple of photo contests; receive awards, and even win a trip to San Francisco. It was epic as hell; it’s nice to be called an official photographer.

  


Some news reaches you during a weekend. “Yo, Johnny boy. What’s up?” You asked, pushing the phone against the side of your head with your shoulder. It’s hard work when you’re washing the dishes.

  


“Dave! Crap, Karkat- He’s awake. He... He doesn’t remember who we are.” John’s frantic voice sounds through the speakers and your world comes crashing down.

  


 What?

  


“Oh. Oh shit.” You slowly put down your sponge.

  


John seems to hold his breathe. “Can you come over during the summer? Just for a few days? I know things weren’t good between you guys before the incident but I don’t know, just give him a chance? You were pretty close with him, Dave.”

  


Seriously? He’s putting this on you? What the fuck? No, no, you’re supposed to be over him and he’s supposed to continue his life like before. He, he doesn’t deserve to lose his fucking memory over some stupid attempt of suicide.

  


“I.. I’ll think about it, bro.”

  


“Everybody’s worried, Dave.” The worry is evident in John’s voice too.

  


“I know.” Karkat was always close to the people you introduced him to. You’re glad that they all hit it off with him but that’s really not your concern right now.

  


You end the call and hang your head over the sink for a few moments. Should you really still get involved in this fuckery?  You can decline to go but that’s just what a shit person would do. You don’t want to be that kind of guy.

  


Shit, man. What the fuck are you going to do?

  


Either way, you’re internally fucked. Either way, you’re throwing yourself down the shitter. And either way, you don’t know what you’d do. You don’t want to feel like a horrible person but you don’t want to see him not recognize you either.

  


You ask Dirk, Rose and Roxy for advice. They don’t give any particularly helpful ones but you appreciate their tries. But you know what to do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is appreciated! tell me if i messed something up or if things need clarification.


	3. Chapter 2: How About Another Shitty Go-Around At This?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's see what Karkat's backstory is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hah, this is catching up faster than i thought it would in my document. not like that's important.
> 
> enjoy reading this big jumbled mess lmfao

  


You had established that Dave Strider is just like any other guy out there when you first met him in the first year of Elementary. He was a prick and an asshole. Well not exactly in those words, it was close but not exactly that. But you hanged out with him only because John was, what you didn’t realize was; he wasn’t as shitty as you thought.

  


Under his crappy façade, you saw how metaphorically soft he was. In ways that you never thought you’d imagine to see.

  


Whenever you were with him, he seemed to have an intimidating aura, even with his lanky frame. So the regular bullies you had never approached when he was around. He kind of noticed that too, so he spent more time around you than you wanted. A kind gesture that you only understood now.

  


He asked you how you are every day, again an annoying daily question but you appreciated now. He lends you whatever you ask for, only when it was simple like a pen or a pencil. Who knew that someone like Dave Strider could be like this too. It’s like two different people.

  


You don’t know why he was like that when he started like a big problem in your life. A person you thought would make Elementary shit.

  


Dave Strider is an interesting person, none that you’ve ever met. When all of you finished Elementary, you moved. Bound to never see him again for the rest of high school or even your life. Though, that’s not how it goes though seeing the next couple of years.

  


You transferred to this high school for junior year in your old town which you moved back to. Your old friend Eridan Ampora, the rich kid in town, invited you to this party at his house, you decided to go. Just to make it feel like a ‘Welcome Back’ party. But for the sake of ruining your mood, he told you that it was just a regular party. What an asshole.

  


He told you about this balcony at the top of the mansion, he showed you the hidden staircase. He brought you a beer which you accidentally spilled on the steps of the stairs when you were going downstairs to hang out with your old friends. Eridan, although being a snooty rich kid, waved it off. Maybe he was just ignoring it to be polite, which he rarely is, so you feel honored. It’s probably because he had maids to clean after the party though, yeah, that was probably why he wasn’t throwing a shit fit over it.

  


Eridan also gave you his beer which you spilled on a guy you bumped into later. A face you thought you’d never see again. White hair, Ben Stiller shades and a Texan accent. Dave Strider. His looks never changed, he still seems like the kid that you went to school with before. Is he still the same? You are thoroughly shocked.

  


Later, the spilled beer on the stairs backfired, causing an accident you didn’t expect and which you still feel sorry for. You did Dave a favor by calling John quick. You felt too ashamed to approach him any further. You didn’t want to visit the hospital even though John asked you to come with him.

  


And that’s where Dave Strider officially becomes a part of your life again.

  


It was a supposedly rainy day when you next see him. It was raining. You were on your way to the library when you passed by the park where you saw Dave Strider again. He was by the bus stop, obviously stranded because he wouldn’t be there right now if he wasn’t. You don’t think Dave’s deliberately waiting for the bus. You accompanied him home that day, refusing to look at his cast because you caused that. It made you feel extremely guilty.

  


When the school year starts, you see him in school too; actually he’s in your class. Fucking shit!

  


He proceeds to be the nicest and sweetest person you’ve ever met. Dave even invites you to hang out with him and his friends. Maybe you’re looking too deep into his actions but you feel like he’s feeling something else. Maybe it’s your self-proclaimed romance detector. You preferred to stay in denial.

  


It turns out that was a bad idea when the New Year’s Party came.

  


You admit, you thought this was a bit cliché. You sort of wanted to act first but at the same time you wanted to confirm that he actually had those kinds of feelings for you. You’ve only ever been in one relationship and that ended badly.

  


But you couldn’t comprehend fast enough, and you let him leave. You weren’t expecting the big rant about it; it was obvious that he was anxious about it. He ran off to who knows where and this time he was the one who slowly disappeared from your life. As always, you fuck up.

  


You never had a chance to talk to him because he always avoided you which just kind of pissed you off? It wasn’t fair that he was avoiding you, it wasn’t fair that he got to do this. At least his friends still stayed around. It only seemed to be Dave. It’s always about Dave. Why did he have to be him? Why did it have to be him?

  


How could he even fall for you?

  


Fucking Jesus shitting backwards.

  


After that, you also decided to disappear. Permanently.

  


Long story, cut way too short. Things weren’t as sunshine and rainbows in your life. A typical scene. But you just couldn’t handle it anymore. It would have been better if you just were never there.

  


Your family isn’t the most agreeable group of people you’ve ever met but they’re there. They were there when you finally put the plan in action. They stopped you. How could they dare to stop you? You’ve been planning this, thinking about it, thinking about the letter you wrote to Dave, to everyone.  You just wanted it to end.

  


They’ve fucked it all away!

  


The door was unlocked. You forgot. How could you fucking forget?

  


Just when you decided to go with it, you did everything completely wrong! Wrong!

  


Why didn’t they let you do it? Why would they put this on themselves? They don’t fucking own your life. Your dad cut the rope and immediately sent you to the hospital.

  


For that decision that they made, they didn’t know what they were going to get themselves into. They’ve fucked themselves over for your sake, just to save you.

  


To.

  


Save.

  


You.

  


It’s a big blackout from there. You could only hear what they were saying but you were what.. In a coma? It was all a big fucking blur, you could barely stand to be conscious. You were asleep for a long time, you feel. But you feel tired and pained.

  


But besides all that, you could feel and hear for some weird reason. You could feel everyone who was there, who sat beside your bed, who talked to you. There was only one major problem.

  


A very major problem that only you knew at the time.

  


You don’t know who the hell they are.

  


It’s a long time before you could bear to open your eyes even by a little bit. You saw a boy with slick, gelled, black hair. He had rectangular glasses and spoke to you in a soft squeaky voice. If you had concentrated enough, you would have seen the buck teeth he had but you fell asleep afterwards.

  


He was telling you of things. He spoke words, “A long time.”, ”Family.”, ”Miss you.” often. He sounded sad yet reassuring.

  


The second time was a snobby looking guy not older than twenty-one. He had curly brown hair and a disappointed-sounding voice. He spoke something about fathers, triggers and shit you can’t remember anymore. You fell asleep during his big speech about health. Stupid guy.

  


The third time’s the kicker because there’s something oddly familiar about this one. You could only hear a voice but you could see the room you were in, blindingly bright. You couldn’t see who was talking but they were there somewhere in the room.

  


He spoke about comics, irony and apples. A weird thing to talk about.

  


You managed to stay up until he stopped talking. Something about his deep, accented voice made you feel homey and comfortable. His voice was the one you were most... Attracted? To. You never heard or saw him after that again though.

  


You eventually fully open your eyes when there were a lot of people in the room. You don’t know how long it’s been.

  


For some reason, they start cheering and smiling. Was there an event going on or something? Fuck, you don’t even know who these people are. You don’t even know who you are. Is this a mistake or something? What in the actual fuck is happening right now?

  


Someone steps forward from the crowd, the same boy with slick, gelled, black hair. “Karkat! You’re awake!” He bounces on his feet like he’s just taken the coke. You think your expression gives away what you’re feeling right now. Who the fuck were these people? You watch as his expression crumbles. He called you “Karkat”. Was that your name?

  


All the people quiet down when they sense your confusion. A man beside your bed laughs nervously. He looks like the teenager you saw before, the one with the curly hair. But he seems a lot older. “Alright, everybody. Let’s give Karkat some space.” Which you suspected was another phrase for “Get out of the room.” It most probably is.

  


The man sits beside your bed, his thick eyebrows knitted together. His eyes look like they’ve seen some intense shit.

  


“Karkat.. You do know you’re Karkat, right?” He leans forward.

  


You shake your head, unable to get even a few words out.

  


“Well you are. I’m your father, Carlos Vantas.” You open your mouth, trying to find your voice but you can’t. “Don’t. I was told that you wouldn’t be able to speak for a while. Could I just... Hug you? If that isn’t too straightforward.” You can see that he’s trying his best not to cry, judging by the glassiness of his eyes. You nod.

  


Your father surges forward, wrapping his beefy arms around you. You try your best not to be bothered by the curly hairs tickling your nose. He starts to sob quietly. You don’t know what compels you to, but you cry as well. Not knowing why, but you can feel the pain in him.

  


You.

  


Do.

  


Not.

  


Remember.

  


Anything.

  


Your first day outside of the hospital was heartbreaking. Well, for the people around you. All your ‘friends’ were kind and didn’t push you too hard to remember them. They all seemed great, you’re sorry that you lost all your memories of them. Everyone also seemed skittish around you almost, as if you were going to break easily like glass. You didn’t think you were like glass, you just woke up. You felt fucking rejuvenated.

  


You wander away from the crowd, curious to see your location, where the hell you are right now. Then you see a familiar guy across the street. You look sideways to make sure it’s safe then you cross. Wasn’t he supposed to be over here?

  


“Damn, Dave was supposed to be here. Where the hell is he? John, you think he’s John, mutters to himself. He seems troubled. Who was he talking about? Dave?

  


“Dave?” You echo as you approach, you had a feeling that it was unusual for him to stay away from the crowd. Guess he was waiting for someone. John slightly jumps away from you and laughs, running a hand through his hair.

  


John rubs the back of his neck, laughing nervously. “Karkat, uh. You scared me! Yeah, Dave Strider. He’s an old friend of ours. You had... Never mind.” John rubs the back of his neck, laughing nervously. This is very awkward.

  


“I had what? Who is he?” You tip your head.

  


“Nothing. I said nothing.” He shakes his head, “I think your dad’s calling you over.” He points behind you. Of course, you fall for it and when you turn back. John’s gone. So much for promising to tell you everything about your forgotten life.

  


Dave Strider... Dave Strider...

  


Seems familiar.

  


Then again, everything does. But your memory holds you back, it always fucking did when you woke up for good.

  


This was shittier than you thought it was gonna be. You thought it’d be easy to remember everything but apparently not.

  


You.

  


Do.

  


Not.

  


Remember.

  


Anything.

  


The following days, your friends help you to try and remember. You slowly do actually and you’re so glad for that. But no one talks about Dave Strider for some reason. Was he actually real? You trust John a lot but you’re not sure if he’s too right in the head.

  


You ask Terezi about a Dave Strider, she seemed to hesitate but wave it off, saying that she didn’t know who he was. This was practically impossible because you were told that she knew everyone and never forgot. Hah, ironic. You felt that she was lying to you though, which you thought that she’d never do. She told you that she was your best friend, best friends would never lie, right? Or maybe she was doing it for your own good?

  


There’s more to this Dave Strider guy than people let on. Did he do something terrible? Why wouldn’t they just tell you what was with him?

  


“John?” You approach the boy, he’s doing a bit of his school work.

  


“Yeah?” He says without looking up.

  


“Why won’t any of you fucking tell me about Dave Strider?” You ask irritably, your tone instantly alarming him.

  


John looks up, expression thoughtful and cautious.

  


He starts off slow, “You... And him were a bit too close back in high school. Something between you two happened, I don’t know what. He never told me but he just started avoiding you all school year, including senior year. You stopped going to school and we just found you. In, you know.” He sighs. “Dave was admittedly kind of stupid to just do that stuff on you. He... I think he was a part of the reason you did it. You know? We thought that it was better to just let him be permanently forgotten by you.”

  


You stare at him. You... Liked a guy? Dave Strider? It doesn’t explain much but at least you know who he’s talking about.

  


“Oh.”

  


“Yeah, oh.”

  


Maybe he was less of an evil guy than you thought.

  


A few weeks later, you’re alone at home. Turns out you live in a typical family home, not too rich, not too poor. John visited sometimes but not this day. On this particular day, someone rings the doorbell while you were watching the television. It’s on a romcom movie, you think. You feel that you have an affinity for it. John did say that you loved them.

  


You lower the volume of the TV, looking at the closed door. Should you answer it? You’re home alone, fuck.

  


A muffled “Hello?” comes from the other side. It’s a guy.

  


Maybe letting him know that someone was in here would scare him away. You decide to get a pointy umbrella, just to be cautious, and open the door slightly with the chain lock still attached.

  


“Oh, uh. Hey-“ The guy stops, he’s a teenager obviously, but definitely taller than you. He had weird white hair, shades and a deep accented voice. He sounds a lot like the mysterious voice that talked to you back at the hospital.

  


He’s presumably looking at you, you can’t really fucking confirm because of those goddamn shades. You understand that it’s sunny outside but it’s not that bright. You can’t see his expression or where he’s looking at all, which unnerves you. You’re so used to seeing your friends being so expressive and seeing someone like this creeped you out a bit.

  


“Hello? Who are you?” You knit your eyebrows, frowning. He seems shocked, with his lips parted slightly like he was speechless. He seems to wince at your question.

  


The guy looks familiar, just like any of your friends. But there’s some aura around him, something that reminds you of home or something like that. Maybe you’re overreacting but it’s true. You’ve definitely known him before and it looks like you were a big part of his life shown by the way his expression changes when he saw you, and the wince.  

  


Was he expecting you to know him?

  


Doesn’t he know that you’re a fucking amnesiac?

  


“Um. I... I’m looking for Mr. Vantas.” His tone is unsure.

  


“My dad?” You press.

  


“Your dad?” You can’t see his expression too much but it seems like he’s trying to bullshit you.

  


“Yeah.” You raise an eyebrow.

  


He shifts his feet.  “Oh.” Awkward alert.

  


“He’s out right now. Maybe you’d like to stay inside to wait for him? He’ll be back soon.” You offer, maybe he’s here for something important.

  


“Oh no, no, no. I’m fine.” He steps back, holding up his hands. He looks ready to go.

  


“Wait, what’s your name? I can tell Dad that you came by.” He seems to ponder this, he’s just giving you his name. What was needed to think about?

  


But then you realize that he’s not thinking about giving his name. He actually starts to sniffle and laugh, not like a happy laugh but a painful laugh. “Shit! I didn’t realize it’d be this fucktastic. I’m sorry, I’m just a fucking stranger crying on your doorstep, but Jesus fucking Christ.” He reaches a hand behind his shades, presumably to wipe his tears away.

  


You quickly unlock the door. “Are you alright? Should I call anyone?” Suddenly concerned for this random guy. Your senses are tingling.

  


“No, no. Please God no, Rose would kill me with all her therapeutic bullshit. Just. I’m not really here for your dad. I am, uh. How do I put this?” He runs his hands through his white silky hair. He clears his throat. What the hell was he getting at?

  


His Adam’s Apple bobs up and down nervously, “I’m here for you.” Holy shit, chills literally run down your neck.

  


“And that’s it.” He laughs again, his voice broken. He looks worn down. “I’m leaving. Good bye.” You watch him, genuinely confused. You feel like you should just let him walk away but you’re so curious but he seems so hurt. What the fuck is happening to you?

  


“Wait, what’s your name?” You almost yell although he’s still there.

  


He looks at you, smiling bitterly.

  


“Dave Strider.” Your eyes widen, shocked. He was..?

  


Then he leaves.

  


You let him leave.

  


_Dave Strider._

  


“Dave Strider.” You whisper softly, afraid to break an invisible spell. You watch him walk away, almost willing him to look back.

  


But he doesn’t.

  


And he doesn’t come back.

  


You tell your dad about him and he gets into an intense quiet session where he furrows his eyebrows and thinks deeply about whatever thought enters his mind. You get the vibe “Should I kill Dave Strider?” or “What’s the best way that I can protect my son from him?”. You prefer Dave not getting killed, whoever he actually is.

  


You also tell John and he pales, telling you that he told him to visit during the summer. Apparently, a ‘supervised’ visit because John knew that he’d just run off right after seeing you.

  


There was a lot of pain in his eyes. You could see, you could feel. You don’t know how it’s like to lose someone that you romantically like or even love. Your memory still fails you. But you remember small fragments, the shitty confession, the party, and the stairs. Jesus Christ, the stairs. You try your best to try and recover all of them but you just can’t and you hate yourself for that. The pieces are too broken to recover.

  


Maybe exploring other memories would help take your mind off of it.

  


You decide to snoop around your room, seeing what things could help you to remember old memories that you still don’t remember. You find your phone which is predictably locked, you don’t know its code. Maybe you can ask your dad to bring it to a technician to reset it.

  


You have tons of Romance-Comedy books. You don’t know why. It’s that affinity again, your obsession is scary. And that’s coming from you, the retrograde fucking amnesiac. You might read these again sometime, of course it has to be when you don’t have your full memory yet because the experience would just be ruined.

  


Notebooks are also a recurring thing in your bookshelf. Most are leather-bound which is fancy. You also see that your writing is blocky and always uppercase. Gives a shouty vibe to you, you kind of like it. The things you write about are less desirable to read, maybe your Past Self wasn’t too bright on ideas.

  


And the last is a weathered, worn-out photo.  Something you feel like is an ancient treasure that was precious to you. It was a picture showing you, Dad, Kankri and a woman. You’ve never had a woman around a house so you assumed your mother either left or... Died. So this woman must be your mother, you think you’ve seen a few framed pictures around the house. You’ll check those out sometime, they might provide some type of help to you memory-wise.

  


That was an interesting trip down Memory Lane. You spend your days recounting and remembering. Spending more time with your friends and family than your old self, you think. And while regaining your memories, you made new ones, which was totally innovative on your part, you guess. It’s an improvement.

  


Christmas arrives. Your dad throws a big party for you and your friends. You appreciate him for it. Everybody had a gift for you, all packed in one disc. It was a home video ranging to almost an hour, it was full of goofs and laughs. You didn’t know that your Past Self had such fun.

  


But apparently you attempted suicide anyway. You can’t judge someone’s thoughts by what you see outside.

  


You watched the video or movie? It’s long but you guess it can still be classified as a video. It really helped you to recover some memories and you’re grateful for that, you’re grateful for your fucking friends because they are literally the best people in the world. You’re not really sure if you deserve them or not because they are fucking wonderful. But you guess you can’t judge yourself yet since the amnesia and fuck all, you have a feeling that self-hatred was a big contributor to your depression before, you wouldn’t want to almost die again, would you?

  


The New Year’s Party is great, there was a lot of fireworks and fun. Everybody was so happy, you all played games and watched movies until the sun showed its face again and you all did a reverse sleep-over. That was what you could call a memorable event. You felt like the luckiest person in the world, like your life was never ruined by a terrible failed suicide attempt.

  


Damn, you still get morbid sometimes.

  


These following days... You feel happy. It’s almost like forgetting everything you’ve never known helped you. Does that happen to amnesiacs or is it just you? People still look at you weird, like they didn’t expect you to be this happy. It’s... Wonderful.

  


Sure, you haven’t recovered all your memories but you just accepted that? If life was bad enough to push you to attempt suicide then why remember all the things that made  you do it? It just seems fucking stupid and pointless. There’s still the dissatisfaction of not knowing certain things but you can always ask your friends, they’re always there to help. That’s what they told you.

  


But even after all that, there was just one specific puzzle piece that made your brain itch. Dave Strider.

  


You’re never seen him outside of a few photos and videos and that visit he made to your house like almost a year ago. What John said wasn’t enough, you wanted to hear the story from Dave. You wanted to know what he felt about it, what actually happened that led to all of this bullshit now. Your friends weren’t much help, it’s almost like they wanted to forget Dave Strider too whereas you wanted to remember him.

  


He was the only piece of your memory that was left to remember, yet you couldn’t remember him. Was it that bad? What happened between the both of you? God, Dave Strider, it’s only Dave Strider. Why were you so intrigued?

  


If no one was going to help you, you decided that you needed to take matters into your own hands. You get your phone reset and go through everything, your contacts, photos and apps. You recall something about a ‘Pesterchum’ app and you find it. Jackpot.

  


You go through the handles, seeing if anything would click and something did. That red username, ‘turntechGodhead’. Was that Dave? Were you sure? No, fucking of course not, you don’t trust yourself at all but adrenaline was rushing through you as you clicked on the user. Turns out you had him blocked? Fuck, you did that? Jesus, who knows what he fucking wrote you and you actually had him blocked before.

  


Are you actually going to do this? Do you really want to know?

  


Fuck, of course, who are you kidding? He’s the only piece missing, you’ve got nothing else to lose.

  


\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
  
CG: HEY ASSHOLE.  
  
CG: WOAH, HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  
  
CG: THIS IS MY.. WHAT, QUIRK?  
  
CG: JESUS CHRIST, THAT’S SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS. WHAT THE FUCK?  
  
CG: ANYWAYS, WHATEVER.  
  
CG: I FUCKING HOPE YOU’RE ON. OR ELSE THIS WOULD BE ALL FOR NOTHING.  
  
TG: fucking what the hell  
  
TG: how did you get on here  
  
CG: I HAD MY PHONE RESET, SMART ASS. I WANTED TO ASK A FEW QUESTIONS.  
  
TG: what  
  
TG: okay you know what fuck this  
  
TG: im not doing this bullshit again  
  
TG: youre not doing this bullshit again  
  
TG: i am  
  
TG: completely fucking over this  
  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, SERIOUSLY.  
  
CG: JUST ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS AND I’LL FUCK OFF.  
  
TG: why dont you fuck off right now  
  
TG: just get john to tell you  
  
TG: im too fucking tired for this what the fuck  
  
CG: NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING ME. BESIDES, I DON’T WANT *THEM* TO TELL ME, I WANT YOU TO. BECAUSE EVERYONE FUCKS THE STORY UP AND TWISTS IT IN SHIT WAYS.  
  
CG: YOU’RE THE GUY, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME.  
  
CG: WHAT.  
  
CG: HAPPENED.  
  
TG: seriously  
  
TG: i dont have time for this shit  
  
TG: why cant you live without knowing it  
  
TG: it was so shitty anyway  
  
CG: OK. I’LL LAY A TRUTH BOMB.  
  
CG: YOU ARE SERIOUSLY THE ONLY MEMORY THAT I DON’T REMEMBER AND IT’S FUCKING KILLING ME NOT KNOWING WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH YOU AND MY PAST SELF.  
  
CG: FUCKING HELP AN AMNESIAC HERE, YOU DICKSHIT.

  


Okay, you don't know why you're so aggressive about this but this Dave guy isn't spilling any fucking beans any time sooner.

  


TG: ...  
  
TG: how about we meet in person instead  
  
CG: WHAT??  
  
CG: YOU’RE FUCKING AVOIDING THE SITUATION HERE!!  
  
TG: no im not  
  
TG: i just think talking in person will be easier for me  
  
TG: i just cant do it here  
  
CG: WHY? WHAT’S SO FUCKING SPECIAL ABOUT THIS?  
  
CG: I’M JUST ASKING YOU TO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US, WHY ARE YOU CHICKENING OUT?  
  
TG: im *not* fucking chickening out okay  
  
TG: dont get your panties in a fucking twist  
  
TG: ill visit for the summer  
  
TG: ill tell you everything  
  
TG: just let me fucking fix myself  
  
CG: SURE. WHATEVER.  
  
CG: YOU WERE A BIG HELP.  
  
TG: its not that fucking easy to remember everything!  
  
TG: *alright?*  
  
TG: at least you forgot most of it  
  
TG: now fuck off ill come over  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  


  


That went great. So great.

  


You didn’t actually expect him to be that hostile. Would he actually come over for the summer? Where does he live anyway? Could you wait until summer to finally know what everyone wasn’t talking about?

  


You sigh, lying down on your bed and burying your face into your pillows. There was only one way to find out, really. You need to wait for summer and summer is like months away. Fucking Dave Strider making you wait, but you guess it was really that bad for him and apparently for you too. It just makes you more curious than ever which is killing you. You know what they say about the cat.

  


Okay, just relax. It’s not too bad. You just need to wait.

  


You just need to wait. Summer eventually comes. You’ll finally know what happened and you can rest easy and maybe Dave could even become a part of your life again, or maybe not. You can’t be too fucking hopeful, the guy feels like he’s almost afraid of you.

  


The vibes are... Strange, coming from him. You can’t place it. You guess that you’ll see during the summer, but for the meantime, you can focus on your studies. Everything is fine. Just let yourself think positively..

  


Everything is just great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments, feedback or anything is appreciated.


	4. Chapter 3: Long Story Short: Shit Goes Down and More Emotions Ensue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay maybe i did push the epilogue back and yes my writing is still bad and rushed (i guess. i cant get an outsiders perspective)
> 
> and maybe this became a bit personal and touchy on some things.
> 
> enjoy the read.

 

The pain is indescribable when you went over for the summer, you were actually thinking of dropping out but you told John about it and he insisted that you went. Apparently Karkat was getting pretty restless when it came to you.

 

You immediately regret not explaining it over Pesterchum, thinking back, that would have been easier for your poor heart. You really haven’t gotten over him, Jesus fucking Christ, you are a literal mess. Both of you agreed to meet at the park, well actually, you were against it at first because you don’t think that he actually remembers what happened here.

 

The meeting was also a complete shit show, you almost couldn’t explain anything. You had to take a walk around the park just to clear your head. But Karkat was patient. He was fucking patient. He was never patient. How the times have fucking changed so much.

 

Karkat Vantas has changed, well that’s not entirely true. You can still see his old qualities, but it’s only so subtle. You can hardly recognize him. Of course, he’s still Karkat goddamn Vantas, the guy you liked hardcore back in high school and fucked up a friendship with. You still like him now but he is... Not him.

 

Explaining is difficult.

 

But he listened to your every word, every word vomit that you let out. You even made him laugh a bit. Shit, you missed him so much.

 

After the explanation, you decided to take him to this local fast-food restaurant that was apparently built during your absence. Fuck, even the town had small changes.

 

“I am wondering. Have you ever seen a McDonalds’ being built?” You ask as you stuff a fry in your mouth.

 

“How would I know? I’ve only ever been in this fucking town.” Karkat rolls his eyes.

 

You lean across the table to him, “Exactly though, you never see a McDonalds’ being built, that’s what you call Illuminati. They duplicate the restaurants all over the

 

“Is this some kind of strange conspiracy theory I’ve never heard about?” He asks after sipping from his cup.

 

“You’ve probably heard of it before, just don’t remember it, y’know,” You shrug nonchalantly.

 

Come to think about, he never asked you again about your old experiences with him. Instead, he places a metaphorical bomb in front of you.

 

Karkat shifts nervously, “I know it’s a bit fucking straightforward, but... Just to give it a try, could we.. Uhm, date?”

 

“Date?” You echo, your mind comes to a screeching halt.

 

“Yeah. I mean, it’s only experimental! Only for the summer, if it doesn’t work out then I guess that’s it.” He looks at you, his gaze is sort of.. Hopeful? Is this a fucking trick or joke or something?

 

You lean back on your seat, asking, “Why?”

 

“Why the fuck not?” Karkat raises an eyebrow, but he looks mildly nervous. You wonder what the fuck is going through his brain. He also must be wondering what the fuck is going through your brain right now.

 

Then you realize.

 

He is serious about this.

 

Karkat stares at you. You sigh, pushing up your shades into your hair, remembering a familiar memory about a cold wintery night. Where it all went wrong. You fucked up that night, should you take this chance to do it all over again? Just to know what could have been if you hadn’t left that night?

 

Fuck it, you only live once anyway. If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. You’re delving into some deep shit here. Could you still stand to feel that again? Well, you can’t know if you won’t try. It’s supposedly “experimental”, so it won’t be that serious, right? Hopefully it won’t get that serious? Why are you even thinking of agreeing to this?

 

“Why... Ugh, Christ. I didn’t come here for this, fucking, Karkat, please!” You almost shout in frustration, he flinches inwardly like he’s been punched in the gut. You feel guilty for that. Shit.

 

Karkat stammers, “I.. Sorry, I just thou-“. Then he quiets down, pursing his lips and looking down at his food. You’re not used to this Karkat, it seems like he’s such a different fucking person, and it literally blows your mind. He used to be this snappy, no-shit dude that could see right through you, now he’s practically the opposite.

 

You are so done. You are so undone because of him.

 

“Come on.” You stand up and walk out of the restaurant, not giving him any time to ask you where you were going. Frankly, you don’t know. You just wanted to walk around. You put your shades back on and turn slightly to see Karkat squeeze through the doors.

 

Both of you walk around, he doesn’t say anything for the most of it, only remarking or talking about his surroundings. Well, you grew up here, you know every nook and cranny of this shitty town.

 

It’s sunset by the time Karkat decides to go back home. You follow him back. He stops and turns around when he steps on the porch.

 

“So, what?” He asks, looking at you with those brown hazel eyes that always seemed to mesmerize you, that let you lose yourself when you stare back at them. You take a minute to decide on what you should do. Then you came to the decision to do what you should’ve done a long time ago, way back when you were still best friends.

 

He seems pleasantly surprised when you step forward to lean down and kiss him. It’s not the best kiss but it isn’t the worse either, but you enjoyed it. You enjoyed every single second of it.

 

You step back, not saying anything. Karkat looks at you with exhilaration in his eyes. You let yourself smile a bit and wave bye. Maybe you should give this a try, maybe you should stay here, just for the summer. Just for the summer.

 

An experiment.

 

You walk away from him, heading down the street to the bus stop, confident that it wasn’t going to rain today and that you didn’t need an umbrella.

 

The first thing you asked Dirk when you came home was if it was okay to stay for the summer. He hesitated at this, asking you why. You told him it was just something you wanted to do for someone. You could tell that his super mom senses were tingling but he told you that it was fine and that he was calling John’s dad to see if you could stay at their house.

 

You told John about the meeting and he was glad that you sorted things out with Karkat and that he was also surprised and excited that you were staying over at his house for the summer.  You’re excited too, but an uncertainty cloud hung over you. What about your crew? Would they be mad at you for just ditching them with Karkat when it was you who first introduced him to them?

 

You tell yourself that they’ll be glad to have you back, despite all the anxiety in your head. It’s best to think positively, anyway. No fucking use for thinking negatively, that’s just unhealthy and Dirk’s lectured you on that. He’s trained you with Rose’s help of psychoanalysis therapy. She is still way too young to be that trained in that fucking field of therapy.

 

It’s not a lot of days after when you’ve packed your bags and hopped on the bus. Dirk tells you some guru type shit, Rose appropriately reminds you to not fuck it up, and Roxy just gives you hella cash. Roxy is still the best. You wave goodbye to them, you hope being gone for like three months doesn’t do anything bad for any of them. Sure, you’ll miss a lot of shit but they won’t keep any secrets from you. They never have.

 

This shitty town better be ready for Dave fucking Strider’s return.

 

When you arrive, you lug your bags to John’s place, insisting that he didn’t have to pick you up with his car, you’re a man, not a mouse. You can bring your own shit to someone else’s place.

 

The house is still homey and still full of those creepy harlequins. John just laughs awkwardly when you remark about it, seems like he’s developed this weird fear of them. You don’t know why he just won’t tell his dad about it so it won’t fuck with him anymore. You promise that you’ll help him with it.

 

You decide not to message Karkat and instead get ready for dinner and sleepy time. You go through a simple routine you used to do when you had a sleepover with John, you take a shower, change out of your clothes, watch a couple of re-runs of Hell’s Kitchen with John, still laughing at the old memes about it while you eat and both of you evacuate the dining room to sleep until morning.

 

Well, actually, you barely slept at all because of the anxiety, so you asked John if you could surf on his laptop instead. He agrees, telling you to not stay up late and to turn it off properly. You can handle that.

 

The morning after, it’s just like another normal day in the Egbert Household, his dad cooks up some delish pancakes. You and John try to help with the batter like before, it always ended up in a mess but now it’s a lot cleaner, probably because both of you actually have brains now. Dadbert opens the TV and puts it on whatever food show was playing, typical, he never changed. Although you think he’s better off baking.

 

Dadbert readies and leaves for work, leaving you and John alone to play video games for a bit then decide to head out. You hang out by the playground in the park. Shit, this was your favorite place when you were a kid, you’re not necessarily sure if it still is now. It used to be more taken care of, if that made any fucking sense, now it looks decrepit and ancient.

 

Both of you ride on the swings, seeing who could swing the highest, John always gets frightened when he can barely touch the ground anymore, so of course, you swing the highest, just like before.

 

Thinking about it, you guys were The Bros, you and John. Something seemed to fade away, maybe the innocence of childhood, or the freedom. John still tries to contact you, you appreciate that. He actually tries to keep his friends together unlike you, who ditches people. Shit.

 

John’s a chill guy, never really had any problem with the world. He just seemed sort of care-free most of the time.

 

You eat lunch at the diner and that’s where you see Karkat. John goes up to the counter to order, he isn’t the type of guy to wait for a waiter which is kind of weird actually. Wait.

 

While you’re just fiddling with your phone in your seat, you see Karkat Vantas talking with somebody at another table. She’s a teenager, probably the same age as he is. They don’t look like they have something serious between them, like.. Relationship-wise. Good god, are you jealous?? Fuck, dude.

 

By the time John comes back with food, Karkat happens to see him and watch him sit at your booth. His eyes widen and he turns back to his girl buddy.

 

“Karkat, huh?” John smiles mischievously, as if he knew that the brunet was here before you even got here. He dips a fry into the ketchup and eats it.

 

“You’re looking at me weirdly.” You say nonchalantly, John rolls his eyes and doesn’t say anything, he just fucking continues eating. You start to eat your food too, but you give Karkat an occasional glance, his friend seems to have noticed you too because she was awkwardly meeting your glances with her own. Creepy.

 

You’re talking with John when he suddenly slides into the booth. You jump slightly, almost hitting the table with your knee as Karkat’s arm brushes against yours when he motions to lean forward against the table.

 

“Hey, fuckers.” He greets both of you. How delightful.

 

“Hi, Karkat!”

 

“I thought you were with your friend over there.” You say going back to your food, not looking at him. Karkat elbows you hard, ouch; did he catch your undertone?

 

Karkat clears his throat, “That was Kanaya, my cousin. She was visiting for the summer. Vacation and shit. She went out.” Oh. Now you feel stupid for even feeling slightly jealous.

 

“Oh? What’s she like?” If this Kanaya was able to get Karkat laughing so much, she must be great. You guess.

 

“Prim and proper, fashionista, fucking helicopter mom.”  He adds the last part fondly. As if a helicopter mom was a good thing. Instead of answering, you offer him a fry, he takes it and John proceeds to talk about college stuff. You decide to humor John to make things a little less awkward.

 

John miraculously manages to keep up the small talk until Karkat asks about Elementary. Egbert seems to pick up what Karkat was getting at and he starts talking about the old puberty days that you weren’t so fond of remembering. But you join in on the conversation, talking about how shitty the teachers were and all the shit you got in trouble for. God, Elementary is so far away, now you’re in fucking college hitting it up as a professional photographer and shit.

 

The old days of freedom have passed and you miss them a lot.

 

Then Karkat asks about the party before the start of junior year, the night when you first met him again. You tell him your experiences there, how you fell on the stairs and broke your arm. How you bumped into him when he was wading through the crowd.

 

“We met there?” Karkat asks, tipping his head.

 

“Yep. You spilled beer on my shirt, I think it was beer.” You lean back on your seat.

 

Karkat scratches his head, “I think.. I remember, I had two beers that night? Oh. Oh shit.” He pales a bit. “I think I spilled my first beer on the stairs.”

 

“Wait, fucking seriously? That’s what made me slip?” You furrow your eyebrows. John chuckles, apparently finding the idea of breaking your arm by falling because of a little beer puddle. Karkat shrugs, smiling at you like he’s fucking finding it funny too.

 

You pout, “It’s mean to laugh at an accident. Especially when it made my left arm immobile for weeks.” Both of them broke into loud laughs. “Wow, what the fuck?”

 

“It’s just ridiculous that Karkat spilled the beer!” John tries to cover his mouth, “Don’t be a pouty face, Dave!”

 

“Bro, fuck all of you.” You say jokingly.

 

The day really doesn’t get any better than that. Three of you leave the diner and walk down the street, talking about more random shit. John eventually leaves to go back home, leaving you and Karkat alone.

 

“So.” Karkat mutters, looking at the ground while he walked.

 

“So?” You press, watching the brunet’s actions. He looks up at you with dark brown eyes.

 

Karkat inhales through his nose, as if he didn’t have enough breath. “You’re staying here for the summer?”

 

“Yep, that’s the deal. I’m taking you up on that offer, y’know? The experiment you talked about.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“I did kiss you, didn’t I?” You raise an eyebrow, “Did you change your mind? I’ll be glad to get home to the city.”

 

He stops in front you, “No! Jesus, no. I was just surprised that you agreed to that.”

 

“It’s just an experiment.” You shrug, remembering his words. You’ve nothing left to lose except your emotions.

 

“I guess so.”

 

You part ways when you reach the park, he tells you that he promised his dad that he wouldn’t stay out for long. Something about his old man getting worried. You tell him that you’re not going anywhere until college starts again, he smiles at that and walks away.

 

The days pass by while you and Karkat become closer together, he eventually asks you if you want to try dating. You tell him sure. It starts out slow, just like you’d hoped. You aren’t as familiar with the bases like you used to but you just start with holding hands.

 

You also accompany Karkat on his trips to the library, holding hands and walking slowly as you both converse. He’s still a bit shy with the publicity but you convince him that it’s alright.

 

John invites both of you to an outing with the group. You’re uncertain at first but just a couple of messages from Karkat are enough to push you to join them.

 

They actually welcome you back, which admittedly surprised you. There are new people that you don’t recognize but you’re happy to befriend. It feels just like home with them, you’re glad that they still consider you as a friend. Actually, you and John started this in the first place, inviting people to be your friends and look where this damn group is now. A home for anyone who wants to have one.

 

The outing just turns out to be hanging out by the beach for a day. It’s still fun though, although you don’t like a lot of people swimming in the water at the same time. That’s just.. Weird. Karkat seems to agree with you too because he’s just sitting on the sand under the shade of his beach umbrella, you join him because the sunlight is just killing you and you don’t want to have sunburns. Your skin wouldn’t like that; you wouldn’t like that.

 

As Karkat predicted, everyone in the water left the beach with sunburns. It was hilarious to see John wince when Karkat reminded him to put on sunblock. After that, John said that he wouldn’t go to the beach for a long time. Hah.

 

Karkat’s birthday passes by, you take him on a movie date. He absolutely loves it, you are the most romantic fucker around. You even have a picture from that day, only of him, you took it secretly because he didn’t like getting his picture taken, you found out. The picture was of him waiting in line to get the tickets because you insisted that he did.

 

You know that it was a weird picture because what was so great about waiting in line? Well, he looked  so impatient yet excited to watch the movie so he had this expression that you found adorable.

 

He tells you that he’s started this writing thing on the internet, you support the fuck out of him and help anyway you can.

 

He appears on John’s doorstep one night, asking if he can sleep over. You don’t ask anything until morning. You both sleep on the couch that night. When you woke up, he was staring blankly at the carpet. You ask him why he slept over. He shakes his head.

 

The next few days after, you ask him about his home situation. He spills everything, his dad had suddenly become bad cop and Kankri is just like his asshole self, except he doesn’t stand up for Karkat anymore. He used to.

 

You don’t know why this is but Karkat just tries to be his normal self. You try your best as a.. Boyfriend, you guess your label is now. It’s only until the end of summer, you have to make this shit count.

 

The old bar that you had a gig at heard that you were in town and asked if you could play. You don’t have your equipment, your idea of spending a summer as a boyfriend didn’t include DJ’ing at the local bar. You politely turn down the offer.

 

John comes up with the notion of a movie night every Sunday. Not a lot of people came, only the tight-knit friends of the group showed up with their own movie choices. You and Karkat also show up, Karkat with a shit ton of romcom movies, you, having nothing, rented some action movie from a rental place. Whatever was hot off Hollywood.

 

That night was fun, John was packed with popcorn, having a bowl for everyone. Who knew someone could buy so much fucking popcorn? He must’ve been really stoked for this and you know what happens when John’s stoked about something. He is fucking packing.

 

The Sunday event stayed around for a while but everyone suddenly got busy with trying to find work and readying for college. It reminds you that you have to go back to the city. You try to put that off for a while because seriously, you are deeper in this than you thought you were going to be.

 

Karkat is just.. Something else. Will this really end after college? You’re living in a fantasy.

 

“Dude, is this really going to be serious? I mean, this is still a crappy experiment right?” You ask, your tone almost bordering on hopeful when you say the last part. You feel horrible about it but you have a feeling that it won’t really kick off. That the feeling will just disappear like smoke. Easily blown away by the wind.

 

“There’s still time right?” Karkat eyes you, his dark brown eyes are almost like black holes behind your shades, slowly sucking in every part of your being. His expression urges you to reply “Yes.” But is there still time? You can’t control it, every second you spend here is a second you’ll never get back. A second that you’ll never forget.

 

You’re afraid of yourself running away again, but is that really it? Is that the sole reason of your hesitance to pursue this?

 

You don’t know, and you don’t think you’ll ever know. You just know that you don’t want to hurt him anymore, you don’t want to hurt yourself anymore. You don’t want to hurt anybody.

 

But it always seems to end up like that.

 

“Dave? What’s wrong? What can’t you tell me?” Karkat whispers, touching your knee with a hesitant hand. You’d been silent since you woke up from a nightmare. He’d just woken up, it’s too early in the morning but he knows that there’s something wrong.

 

It takes you a few seconds to look at him, “I’m scared.” You say in the softest voice possible, it’s a strange word on your tongue. ‘Scared’. A Strider’s never scared, a Strider never says he’s scared. Dirk never said that he was scared, he was the cool and chill guy. The guy you always wanted to be, unfazed by the world, by any problem.

 

 Karkat doesn’t say anything to you, only staring as he tries to understand the depth of what you’re trying to say. He tends to look too deep into things most of the time. You open your arms a bit, motioning for a hug. He gives you a small smile and leans in to hug you. You make him coffee after that.

 

He’s stayed over at John’s for maybe the fifth night in a row. You wonder what’s causing him to do this, you’ve never actually met his family.

 

“Why do you stay so much over here? I thought you had a house.” You blurt out during breakfast, it was only the two of you. You somehow made it a habit to match up Karkat’s sleeping schedule so you could get up the same time as him, he was always the morning person.

 

Karkat thinks about this like it needs that much thought, “It’s just.. I don’t know, things changed.” He’s avoiding it. He totally knows why the fuck he’s staying here.

 

“They sure did.” You mutter under your breath. The brunet looks at you, narrowing his eyes.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

He hesitates at your tone, “No, you said something back there. What was that?”

 

You clench your jaw, “Drop it.”

 

After that, it’s a few weeks of trying to sort things out. Trying to find out what the fuck was happening, trying to figure out why, how.

 

You still feel the pain in your left arm.

 

It makes you happy to see Karkat happy, those are only when the romcom movies get a happy ending or when he’s hanging out with the group. You just fall out of it though, all the meetings. Mostly John tells you about what happened during those, it just makes your day.

 

You never told him about how you felt about those though, it was just.. He went through all this shit and he turns out fine, happy. It’s fucking ridiculous but for some reason it didn’t surprise you. Did you actually feel jealous that he was still happy despite the things that happened to him?

 

Shit, you fucking refuse to. He deserves to be happy.

 

You don’t know why you stopped going, your gears just stopped. Maybe it’s the rapid approach of college, the jealousy or the.. Big Black.

 

That’s what Dirk always called it, the ‘Big Black’. It sounded like a nightmare, a monster. That’s why you believed it to just be fake when you were a kid, it made you feel that it wasn’t so terrible when it was only fake. But now you know why Dirk called it that, not to make you feel that it was fiction but it was actually that. That was  the only way to describe it properly in two words, you realized.

 

The Big Black, it was eating away at you slowly. It’s inky darkness just choking you in its thickness.. He never told you that it’d be this hard, that it’d be real, that it’d suck so much.

 

You never knew why you felt this when you were supposed to be happy with Karkat and all. But maybe it was the hopelessness of it, it wasn’t going to work. You just couldn’t do it, it hurt too much to look at the big picture. It was like the feeling of being irreparable when to you instead when it was supposed to be the definition of your friendship with high school Karkat. Irreparable.

 

It’s what you defined it as anyway and it stayed that way until now. But this guy wasn’t Karkat, at least not really. He wasn’t the guy that you had a mad crush on during high school. He never was. He is this guy with opportunities and a life that was better off without you.

 

Maybe it was the guilt of leaving, the guilt of running away from what could have been. The ‘what if’s’ are numerous in your head, the chances that you’ve fucked away, the chances that you yourself destroyed in the first place only because you believed that they were destroyed, you didn’t believe that you could try again.

 

The thought bugs you for the next few days, Karkat seems to notice. He always seems to notice but he doesn’t confront you about it but you catch him glancing at you at certain times, as if expecting you to say something that would probably prove his assumptions, whatever those assumptions actually are, you won’t assume because bad things always happen when you assume.

 

John, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have a fucking clue; he just thinks that you’re being your old regular self or that you’re feeling sick or something. He plays ‘Mario Kart’ and ‘Call of Duty’ with you, he still sucks at it but he gets a few laughs out of you sometimes.

 

He’s hanging out with you when someone knocks on the door.

 

“Let me get that. That might be the parcels that my dad was waiting for.” John leaves the controller. “I’ll be quick. I swear to god if you do anything, Dave.” You smirk.

 

“Afraid of losing your Prankster combo?” You put down the controller.

 

John sticks his tongue out at you and goes to answer the door. You don’t see who it is but he’s having an intense conversation then he steps aside, revealing an almost-angry Karkat.

 

“Come on, get the fuck up. You are not wasting another day in here on this infernal couch!” He bursts through the doorway, stomping towards you and yanking on your arm.

 

“Dude, holy shit. Calm the hell down, who pissed in your cereal this morning?” You yelp at his grip, he’s holding your left arm. Karkat doesn’t realize this but you’re sure to give him shit for it because it hurts.

 

You look to John for help as Karkat almost-drags you outside but your best bro just shrugs at you. “See you later then, Dave.” Egbert, why? You are fucking killing him when you get back. If you get back actually.

 

Also, you’re just wearing pajamas and it’s pretty embarrassing to walk outside with these bad boys. Karkat leads you to somewhere, his iron grip still on your arm as if you were going to run or something, you probably would. You can’t see his expression but you’re pretty sure that he’s pissed.

 

You both stop at the bus stop. Hah, the fucking bus stop.

 

“Fucking promise me that we’ll be on good terms the next time we’ll both be here.” He turns to you, voice almost desperate. You blink behind your shades. What?

 

“What? When I leave?” You ask, confused. What the fuck is this?

 

Karkat‘s hold on your arm drops to your hand. You gladly hold his hand with yours. He doesn’t say anything or look at you but you know something’s happened. But you know that he won’t tell you today, not now.

 

You pull him in for a hug, slightly bending down so he can lay his chin on your shoulder. He sniffs quietly, shit is he crying?

 

“I promise.” You whisper instead of asking anything else. Promises like that are dangerous for you to make but just for Karkat’s sake. He doesn’t deserve any more of your shit; he’s too good for that. You promise yourself to hold on to this, just this one time.

 

You take Karkat to the park that day, even in your PJ’s. You didn’t mind, you’re the asshole that lives every day of his life with white hair and shades that cover your shitty red eyes, good thing you already moved past that a long time ago. Wearing pajamas aren’t that bad, you guess. You try the kiddy slide at the playground, it doesn’t look too good and when you tried to slide down it, you got stuck at the end and you couldn’t get up until Karkat helped you up.

 

Emphasis on tried because that was barely a slide because of how long your legs were.

 

You don’t have money so you go back home with Karkat to order pizza because John was still there, playing on console. Knowing John, he always has spare cash lying around and he’s also in the mood for pizza.

 

That’s probably the last day that you, Karkat and John are together.

 

The last few days of your stay here were spent mostly with Karkat and just generally having fun. You take him to a secluded spot you know where you used to hang out with Dirk. He brings a few movies over to watch overnight, he’s such a fucking sucker for romcoms it’s adorable. Thank god you’ve momentarily gotten over all your shit just to spend time with him.

 

As it turns out, you really fucking miss him. God, you really do. But of-fucking-course, all things come to an end.

 

You tell Karkat that you’ll chat with him over Pesterchum. Both of you don’t say anything about your relationship, you don’t want to break it but you don’t want to bring the burden with you to home. What happens in this town stays in this town; you always said that to John.

 

The entire group accompanies you to the bus stop; you were so fucking emotional at that point, it was unbearable. It was as fucking sad as someone dying. Okay, maybe you shouldn’t compare it to that but it was partly true. No explanation.

 

They say their goodbyes, you say your goodbyes. You look at Karkat who's at the back, he's smiling at you but you can see in his gaze the sadness that you've felt before.

 

But you trust that he's going to be okay. He's not like before; he's got all these good people and a life ahead of him.

 

You just remember to not break your promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally had issues when posting this. i kept fucking hititng preview and edit over and over before i could stop being stupid   
> and i just had to put this in the end notes because why not


	5. Epilogue: The Day of the Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Circling back to the first encounter.

  


The day starts like usual. You wake up; contemplate your existence for a few hours in bed until getting up and making coffee for yourself, classic brew. You open your laptop and work on whatever document you have listed in your notes.

 

You thought it’d be like usual until knocking erupts at the door. You glare at it from across the room. Your apartment is small; in fact your ‘dining table’ is just a couple of feet away from the front door.

 

After a few moments, you get up from your seat and answer the godforsaken door. It’s John, of course.

 

“Good morning, Karkat!” He greets you with the Egbert morning smile, which isn’t really different from any of his smiles honestly.

 

You sniff, “Great fucking morning, John. What the fuck brings you here?”

 

“I’m here to get your butt outside.” He replies, pushing past you and entering your house.

 

“My god, can’t you just leave me alone?” You mutter. John elbows you.

 

“Hey, you need some time out of your house! You’ve been in here for weeks, we get it. You’re so busy writing your books but seriously now. You have as much money as Terezi at this point and she’s a lawyer.” You hear his footsteps recede. You just focus on your laptop.

 

He suddenly tosses a shirt to you, is he snooping through your closets? “What the fuck?!” You yelp as you hold the clothing up. It’s an old plain grey shirt but it’s pretty presentable. By your standards, of course.

 

“Dress up, the car’s outside. I’m driving.” John adds. He’s gotten quite used to your bullshit over the years. It’s scary seeing how much he’s changed from the dork with rectangular glasses to this more mature version of himself. You don’t know how else to fucking describe him, okay?

 

You get in the car, wearing the grey shirt he threw at you and a pair of jeans. Normal get-up. You turn off your laptop and get your key from your drawer.

 

John’s familiar blue sedan is out front; you open the door and get in shotgun.

 

“For the fucking record, I’m nowhere as rich as Terezi and I’m fucking juggling around all these part-time jobs so technically I am getting my ass outside.” You inform him, your tone sharp. Your demeanor has become quite poisonous but you guess John dealt with that too.

 

He doesn’t reply, instead he stepped on the gas and drove down the street.

 

And while you looked out the window, you reminisce of the old times that were way easier to live in. If you call your dad being pissed about the ‘relationship’ you had the ‘good old times’. Besides that problem though, the ‘relationship’.. It was.. Wonderful, you could say. But the aftermath of it wasn’t so wonderful.

 

He never came back. It wasn’t like those times that you thought he was never coming back but he actually did. No, this time, he never came back and he’s made it clear that he will never come back.

 

The experiment was a bad idea now that you think about it.

 

You sigh, looking at the blurry trees with leaves as orange as the sunset. It’s the time of autumn.

 

It’s actually been more than a ‘few’ years, maybe five or six? Your memory is blurry like the trees the car drives by. You almost wish that you couldn’t remember those times of almost begging him to come back. It was all for nothing.

 

But, that’s all gone. You’re in the real world, with only a few of the friends that you once had with you. You managed to buy a house, write three best-selling books, and live on your own for a handful of years.

 

Times do change.

 

Only thanks to him though. Your depressed phase was the very reason that you up and fucking went out in the world. The sudden popularity you gained only made you even eager to write but that had some side-effects, specifically social side-effects. But you’re having none of that; once you’re financially secured you can start communicating again and laying back.

 

“How’s your book now?” John suddenly questions out of the blue, probably because John Egbert does not like silence.

 

You don’t look at him, “It’s going okay, I guess. I sent my editor a few drafts and they told me their opinion. I’m going for a stand-alone book right now.”

 

“That’s nice.” He comments politely, “Hey, I heard about this guy moving near my house. He’s pretty popular, new guy in the music side of things.” Oh no, you know where this is getting at.

 

“Sure, whatever.” You utter, loud enough for him to hear. “Where the fuck are we going anyway? Where ever it is, just keep in mind that I don’t want to fucking go.”

 

“It’s Terezi’s going away party, don’t you remember?” John says as he turns right, “Going abroad for new cases.” Oh, oh shit. You just remembered that. Fuck, you promised her that you were going in a suit right? She’s going to fucking kill you.

 

You mentally face palm.

 

“Yeah, sure you don’t want to go?” John chuckles.

 

Terezi was always there, even during high school and college. She was the one who told you most about what you forgot. Apparently she knew you before you moved, you don’t know much about your childhood but you just went with what she said. She’s still your best friend even though you threw all kinds of shit at her like John.

 

She deserves the best, honestly.

 

You sigh, almost curling in on yourself on the seat, “Maybe I fucking do. It just slipped out of my mind.”

 

John lets out a ‘Pfft’, “Yeah, I figured. That’s why I drove by before Terezi exploded my phone with pesters.” Right on cue, John’s phone starts vibrating in its tiny cubby. “And I bet you twenty that’s her right now.” He grins while talking, his eyes trained on the road.

 

“I’d lose some big money there, Egbert.” You glance at him. You then glance at the phone; you can see Terezi’s signature teal text. Either she’s really pissed or just annoyed. She’s pretty transparent.

 

The ride didn’t last too long. Terezi’s house was just several minutes away from yours but there was small traffic. You both arrive at her house, there are a lot of cars parked near but there was a free space, probably reserved for John’s car. You get out of the car once the door was unlocked and you were suddenly ambushed by a wild Pyrope.

 

“Agh, fuck!” You thud against the car door.

 

“Hey, Grumps! You came!” She cackles, wrapping her arms around your waist. It’s the fucking Pyrope death-grip and you’re right in it.

 

“-Fuck! Oh my fucking god, let go of me!” You try to push her off but she just keeps hugging.

 

She looks you in the eye through her cat-eye glasses, “You didn’t wear your suit. You forgot about the party, didn’t you?” She pouts, thankfully letting go. You catch your breath while she crosses her arms.

 

You sigh, caught red-handed. Terezi being the bloodhound she regularly is. “Shit, yeah. I did because I’m an asshole.”

 

Terezi cackles, “We’re all assholes, Karkat. Some just aren’t as obvious.” Then she looks away from you to John who was standing nearby. “Hey, John. Had any trouble with this one?” She offers a fist, he fist-bumps her.

 

“Kind of, yeah. He didn’t put much of a fight though, once I reminded him that it was your party today he absolutely shit himself.” Woah, Egbert curse word alert, a very rare occurrence in your lifetime.

 

“That’s fucking exaggeration! Listen, he’s fucking exaggerating,  I did not shit myself. Don’t believe this liar.” You argued. John and Terezi exchange looks, giggling at each other for some strange reason.

 

John clears his throat, “Anyways, let’s actually attend the party, shall we?” He holds out his elbow and Terezi puts her arm through, hooking her elbow with his.

 

“To the party!” She grins, marching along with John while you trail behind them, smiling softly. Fucking dorks.

 

 A lot of old friends came, Terezi was a popular figure in the group. Who doesn’t fucking like Terezi? You clicked with her as soon as you met her in the hospital, she had always nagged you to start talking and soon enough you spoke your first vowel when she was by your bed. You just wish that you remembered everything that you knew about her.

 

You drank a few cups of beer. Terezi, being the delightfully fun woman she is, held a few games. Figures that she’d go out with a bang, making her party possibly the best party in history.

 

Apparently John and a few friends also got a cake for her, saying “Welcome Home” which was fucking beautiful especially when it turned out to be made out of shaving cream and cardboard cutouts. Egbert’s gambit strikes again. You fucking laughed yourself to tears at that.

 

Later he comes back with an actual cake and everyone cheers.

 

Sometime after that, you wander around outside, cup in hold and dignity still intact. Hopefully you’ll stay that way after the party.

 

Damn, Terezi takes good care of her little garden thing. You think she started that a while ago because of Jade, John’s sister, some green-thumb with round glasses. You didn’t think much of her except that she was as cheerful as John.

 

You linger around the parking area. Terezi’s place is pretty big; she spent her money wisely on this. It was away from the city and it overlooked the lake. In other words, it was your dream house, not as big as Ampora’s fucking mansion but not as small as your apartment. Cozy place.

 

She doesn’t live with anyone except her bearded dragon friend Pyralspite, named after her childhood stuffed dragon that she lost. A tragic story. Though you don’t really like lizards so you don’t like staying over here. Something about their feet crawling all over you gave you the ultimate creeps.

 

You hear the party still going on in her house; it wasn’t going to last forever so you settle for heading back, thinking that you’ve spent enough time skulking around outside. Going back on your own was better than Terezi hauling your ass back inside.

 

But not before you see a familiar sight by the fence. It takes you a while to register that it’s who you think it is.

 

You trudge up the raised land leading up to the fenced overlook.

 

“No, I’m fucking serious, Rose. I don’t think I can stomach going in there. You know why but you still fucking dumped me here. God, you are the shittiest sister I’ve ever known and that’s no exaggeration. You are shittier than a steaming pile of fresh bullshit right from the bull’s ass and that is some revolting stuff.” He paces around, phone stuck to the side of his head.

 

You approach him silently. How the hell are you going to do this? You watch as he paces around some more until he visibly senses your presence. His shoulders tense and he stops pacing.

 

“Hold on, Rose- No, don’t sass me with your sassiness. I’m not overreacting.” He turns and you’re met with those shades. He dramatically lowers his arm that’s holding the phone. You meet his shielded stare.

 

That’s a face you never thought you’d see again.

 

He ends the call and slips the phone in his jean pocket. Dressed up casual for the party. You actually wanted to run away in that moment, you were just fucking staring at each other like idiots.

 

“So.” He says.

 

“Why are you here?” You narrow your eyes.

 

He seems unfazed by the question, “Rose dumped my ass here, couldn’t do anything. I’ll just walk back.” He shrugs. Here he is after several years of disappearance and he’s acting like nothing’s happened. The fucking nerve.

 

“Hey Karkat!” Your attention turns to Terezi who’s standing by the door, waving wildly. “And.. Dave?!” She jogs up the hill.

 

“Hey TZ. Sorry to crash the party, I was just leavin’ anyway. Got things to do.” He acknowledges her once she got up the hill.

 

Terezi grins, “What are you talking about? Come in! Just for the toast, cool kid.” How was she acting so happy about him? He fucking left all of you! You glare at the ground.

 

He shuffles his feet, obviously uncomfortable. He better be uncomfortable. “Fine, I guess. Just for the toast but I’m gonna flip the fuck out if there’s no AJ in your fridge though.” Terezi giggles like a madwoman.

 

“I’m pretty sure that my fridge can pass the Strider test.”

 

“That’s a bold claim. We’ll see.”

 

“Gotta get back, I better see you two there.” She finally leaves. He turns back to you, as if he was expecting you to say something. Nope.

 

There’s only awkward silence until he clears his throat, “So. That toast? I won’t be here for long.” That’s an invitation to talk with him in private if you’ve ever seen one.

 

“Yeah, sure.” You mumble, turning around and making your way down the hill. He follows you, you can hear his light footsteps by the crunch of the fallen leaves he steps on.

 

He doesn’t make any attempt to interact with the people, instead staying near the corner of the living room, trying to be as sneaky as possible. You keep your eye on him until it was time for the toast. Aren’t you a paranoid fucker?

 

“Attention everyone, everyone!” John stands up on a seat, getting the attention of every person in the room. He holds up his glass of water, wow, what kind of fucking toast is that? Water? Really, Egbert?

 

“I’d just like to say that Terezi Pyrope is the craziest person on Earth and I know that she’s proud of that and I know that we’re all proud of that!” Everyone cheers, John continues, “The bestest of friends! Always there for everyone who want her to be there, though she can’t be everywhere so we always fight for her.” He stumbles on his words as he breaks into a cough.

 

“Uhm! All I really want to say is that she’s great and I wish her luck for her trips abroad!” He raises his glass of water for a toast, everyone who had a glass in the room raised theirs and they all cheered. You smiled, seeing Terezi who was also raising her glass.

 

The party cooled down a bit, Terezi had a big speech for everyone and after that they finally said their goodbyes and left one by one. You said your goodbyes to John and Terezi, telling them that you’ll walk home or something. You leave with him.

 

“That shit was fucking great.” He chuckles as you’re both walking down the road to the city. You kick away a stray leaf on the ground. The afternoon air is cold today.

 

Autumn is a lovely time of the year.

 

You sigh, just wanting to ask the one question that’s been on your mind ever since... Ever since.

 

“I know what you’re thinking, you know.” His stupid façade breaks, his tone tired. You stop in your tracks, it takes him a while to realize that you have and he stops walking too. He turns around to look at you.

 

“Why didn’t you come back?” You whisper, gazing at him.

 

He shakes his head, smiling sadly. That just snapped you.

 

“You know, I think they were fucking right to keep me away from you! Because you’re just a horrible fucking person who can’t stand up for himself, who just randomly drops off the radar like a goddamn douchebag who doesn’t know any better!” Your voice loudens, “If you wanted to leave so much why did you come here? Why didn’t you just stay away?!”

 

He just stands there like a statue. Like a fucking statue.

 

“So you’re not going to say anything? Nothing?” You ask, your tone hoarse and broken.

 

“I’m sorry.” He says loud and clear. Yeah, you seem to really say it convincingly.

 

“You know what? I’m really fucking sorry too. Because I’ve done so much to hurt you!” You growl, discontent with the lame apology. It’s been fucking years and he tells you this?

 

He clenches his jaw and he pushes his shades up to his hair, showing his red bloodshot eyes, “Fine! You want a real apology? How about I’m sorry that I let my mental fucking issues get in the way, I’m sorry that I chickened out of the ‘experiment! I didn’t like it in the first place, and I don’t know why I  agreed with it! You told me that if it didn’t work out then it didn’t work out but you fucking stayed with it.”

 

“You never told me that you didn’t like it, you fucking idiot! You could have said that you wanted to break it off and I would’ve been better off and not wondering why you never came back!” You shoot back at him.

 

His face twitches, “There’s a an unsaid ‘maybe’ in there, Karkat. You and I know it. It would’ve been way messier if I’d told you because I fucking know you. I know you.”

 

You laugh silently at the absurdity of it, the absurdity of him knowing you. He didn’t know you when you lived on your own for the past years, he didn’t know and he doesn’t know.

 

“You should hear yourself right now!” You shout, “Look at you being a ‘considerate’ shithead.”

 

“Well, I’m not the one who doesn’t know when to just stop!”

 

“Stopping’s fucking fine but how you do it matters a lot!”

 

“You know what? I give up.” He runs a hand through his snow-white hair and repeats, “I give up! There’s no point. We’re all going our separate ways after this anyway. You go back to writing books and I just go off and do my own shit.”

 

“Writing books?” You narrow your eyes.

 

He huffs, “Your name isn’t exactly hard to see around the fucking city.” Unsurprising, you guess.

 

“Whatever. Well, I fucking guess you answered my question.”

 

“I guess I did. Are you going to let me go now?”  

 

You don’t know if you want to. You don’t really know if you want to let him go.

 

Dave sighs in frustration. “This is why I just left! I know you, Karkat.” Does he really know you better than you know yourself? Is that it? Did he know what he was getting into?

 

More importantly, did you know what you were getting into?

 

“If you think that all of this would lead up to something good, I don’t know. I guess the spilled beer was just an accident but it didn’t mean for us to really be together. This is all just a big clusterfuck of I don’t know.” He says.

 

You just stare at him with a loss of words.

 

Dave opens his mouth to say something but he stops himself. Instead his gaze darkens and he turns around to walk away. You just stand there, watching him disappear down the road. The air becomes colder and the wind blows harder.

 

The reality of him opening the door and finally leaving your life forever hits you hard.

 

A car drives by and stops beside you. The window goes down, it’s John. He looks at you. “You gonna come with?” He asks you and you just nod. You still stand there for a few seconds until he decides to get out of the car and help you to the door.

 

You sit in the backseat for the rest of the ride. You don’t know what to think or what to feel.

 

“You wanna stay over at my place for the meantime? I can bring your stuff over.” John looks at you with the rear-view mirror. His gaze is concerned and his eyebrows are knitted. You don’t look at him, only focusing on the scenery outside.

 

 “Maybe I need a break.” You admit quietly. John nods and focuses back on the road.

 

Is this what it all leads up to? Maybe it was never really meant to be. Maybe it was all just a big fucking mistake.

 

You close your eyes, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. The quiet purr of the car lulls you to sleep as you try to come to terms with reality.

 

The only thing left to do is to learn to move on.. That is, if you could even _learn_ to move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> andddd its done. wow. i am actually happy at how this story kind of came out. first fanfic ive ever finished writing. even though this was like all one big condensed blob of fuckery.

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: a major portion of this chapter was already written way before i wrote it for them
> 
> and i dont know, maybe this is a bit too fast-paced. tell me whatever in the comments.


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